mother tongue

že precej časa mi leži na vesti dejstvo, da pišem ta blog v angleščini. s tem sicer najbrž ni nič narobe, svoboda govora in metropolitanskost bralcev sta vendar brezmejni. poleg tega je angleščina milozvočna, besedno bogata in v primerjavi s slovenščino skoraj nikoli ne zveni okorno. kljub temu pa me zadnje tedne prežema blažja oblika nekakšne domovinske zavesti, da si skoraj očitam avtomatično pisanje v tujem jeziku. je res vredno zanikati materinščino, samo zato, ker se sosedove besede bolje slišijo, se njihovi stavki lepše skladajo in so zato moje skoraj brezvsebinske pesmi takoj dvignjene na nivo vsaj povprečne kvalitete? tujega vendar nočemo, svojega pa ne damo! (in naj mi še kdo reče, da ni tole reklo najlepša prispodoba slovenskosti vseh časov)
najbrž bo treba precej dela in miselnega napora, da se bo moj pesmo-tvorni (ker mi je zoprno napisati 'pesniški') refleks preselil nazaj v rodne jezikovne kraje. pesmi v slovenščini (z izjemo pred kratkim objavljenega slavospeva ljubljanski mladini) nisem napisala že od gimnazije. spodnja zadeva datira nekam v leto 2009, se mi zdi, in je ena od zadnjih slovenskih. pa še onomatopoija je v njej, svašta.

v trenutku tišine narahlo
zapoje mi severno morje
naplavljene duše mornarjev
ki strgajo rjo z rdečih čeri
kam teče meglica večera
čez rob v obzorje
sirene so danes le jadra
in svet je resnica
čemu to obilje neznanih tokov
če me čaka za hrbtom svetilnik
na mizi pogrnjena rjuha
in trije kozarci -
prisežem:
lahko bi bilo mnogo bolje
kot dan za dnem padati s klifa
v temno vodovje.

after a while

i know i'm gonna be ok
until i see your face again
a glimpse of your familiar smile
amongst the crowd.
it could be someone else, in fact
i can't really recall your features
i once claimed to be mine only.
the way you speak has probably changed,
with time your gestures surely altered,
still, i recognise you in the passers by
and feel the cosy touch of your hand
when i accidentally bump into a stranger.
i have marks left on my skin where your body used to touch me,
sometimes i examine them with pride like battlescars.
i miss you like a missing limb
that has been rotting, i know it's better cut off,
yet a phantom aching wouldn't let me sleep.
we did have quite a story, don't you think?
i can remember being so excited
about telling how we met to our children,
now never to be born, erased from every possible future.
are you ok?
it's difficult to think a part of me now lives its own life.
sometimes at night, i go to where you work
and press my cheek against the cold glass door.
you are not there, but maybe, if i knocked,
you would come out like always,
let me in, make me some coffee,
ask me how my day was.
and then, after a while, i leave
and let myself be swallowed by the city's crossroads.

asian cuisine

we're full of gleaming curry yellow
like little kittens, paralysed by careless strokes
our skin gives in and there's no barrier.
we open up like oysters, overcooked
to show our soft pink insides
our eyes grow steamy with the heat.
i suck the breath out of your lungs, surprisingly
it tastes like sushi i ate with my bare hands the day before -
you are a rare delicacy.
in a way i am disgusted
by the simplicity of love
when it, moist and tender, like raw fish
ascends our bodies
and makes me shiver with your greedy kiss.

solar deity

after what seemed like forever, the sun finally made its way through the winter clouds. i am thankful to raa, svarog, helios, apollo, sol, or whatever the name may be, for riding their solar barge again and making me feel a wee bit more elated and warm. when the first beams reached ljubljana yesterday, suddenly it seemed as if everyone dropped what they were doing and turned towards the sun, almost incapable of believing such light and warmth still existed. but after this forst moment of shock, the whole city shivered, smiled and gave in to the gentle strokes of a long lost lover. loving life is easy on days like that.
now i'm counting down the days until the equinox and the final victory of the solar deity. just 18 to go!